The Surprising Gift of Vulnerability

Do you shy from being vulnerable and sharing your struggles with others?

Reaching for my phone, half awake, I am greeted with a blog post from my son Theo’s favorite high school teacher, Mr. Armstrong. The opening sentence is, “I just taught from my living room (due to the pandemic) what will probably be my last high school English class ever.” Oh no! I am so sad, for Mr. Armstrong and all the kids who will miss out on delving into their being with the most amazingly life-changing teacher. The really heart-wrenching part is it means the disease that makes him unsteady on his feet and challenges his speech, has gotten the upper hand.

I know all this because he vulnerably shares who he is on the page. Reading between the lines, I hear him explore and expose what it means to live with an incurable disease. And watch him embrace and express his passion for passing his life wisdom onto his precious children and students. He says, “I tried to be my most honest, vulnerable self. For the students sake. For my sake. In fact my best teaching often happened in the privacy of my heart and mind.” His words just split me wide open. Jay makes me think about the power of vulnerability to bring us peace and wisdom. 

Owning Our Life

What courage it takes for any of us to show our insecurities, our self-doubt, our weakness, even our ugly parts. But it’s not just us, it’s everyone. Every single one of us knows we possess less-than-perfect-parts—because we’re human! And when someone like Jay shows us his pain, his truth, it opens us to ours. What a gift! His writing brings me insight into why I revealed so much of my own life challenges and suffering in my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good.  

If you’ve read my book or blog (even if you haven’t, I’ll give you a taste my of nakedness on the page), you know it took me a good portion of my adulthood to heal myself from a dysfunctional childhood living with my loving, bipolar mother. I’ve shown you my struggles of raising my one precious son with ADHD, in a school system unprepared to support his learning style. I’ve told you about my stormy relationship with my step-mother who blocked me from getting close to my dad. How my husband and I were mired in negative attitudes toward each other (they piled up from years of not discussing our grievances and hurts) until a momentous conversation that set us on the road to rekindling our love for one another. Add to that my lion’s share of negative self-talk. And this is just a summary!

 I share who I am in the hopes it will help others accept and embrace their less-than-pretty-parts, too. And in the process see that living an affirming way of life is possible even with all of our imperfections. And there’s more.

Unraveling my experiences on the page, has helped me to own my life. I gain perspective. I distance myself from the situation. And I see a brave woman who just wants to love and be loved.

Vulnerability Deepens Relationships

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness.”

— Brene Brown

There’s a bonus to sharing our shameful parts. It helps others feel safer to open up to us with their fears, insecurities and less-than-pretty-parts. And that’s where deeper more meaningful relationships are born.

Writing this piece, helps me remember when a friendship became a sistership.

For the first ten years of my friendship with Lynn, I turned to her for support and encouragement as I navigated through a very unsettled time of my life. She empathically listened and offered wonderful advice as I spilled my anxieties and fears. Yet she never opened up to me. In my eyes she had the perfect family life and was the together person I hoped to become.

A shake-up in her life, cracked her perfect façade—her husband left her. She turned to me for the support she’d always given me—and our deeply loving, most authentic sistership was born.

Lynnie (she became), shared with me her need to appear perfect living with her perfection demanding husband. She revealed that she too had a bipolar mother (such a surprise, I thought I was the only one at the time), and cried to me about her fears and insecurities of being alone for the first time in her life.

For over 40 years now we share the precious gift of sistership. Our relationship is so close because we both share our full selves together. We truly listen, embrace each other’s shameful parts, and see the best in each other when the other can’t. My vulnerability opened two hearts to create the deepest of relationships.

Vulnerability Brings Peace and Wisdom

It’s all about opening. Opening our own heart and mind to feel our pains and our shame. When we are brave enough to crack our shell and embrace our very human innards we open to the flow of peace.

Wisdom grows, as we continue to share in our trusted relationships, all the complexity of being our very human self. And that’s the opportunity for everyone of us!

Your Takeaways

• Openly sharing who you are, your doubts, imperfections and fears makes you more real, more human.

• Writing or journaling our pains and doubts can help us own our beautiful imperfect life.

• Reach out to others you trust with your pain. It can not only heal you, but build the most meaningful life-enhancing bonds!

• The pay off of making peace with your full self, is wisdom.

WHY NOT EMBRACE YOURS AND OTHERS VULNERABILITY AS A STRENGTH!

Available on Amazon

Political Conversations and Friendship

When Ruth Bader Ginsburg suddenly died last week, I was heartbroken over the sad loss for our country. Ruth was the Supreme Court Justice who championed equal rights for women. And because of her women cannot be barred from any job they are qualified for on the basis of their gender. Huge! One of her dying hopes was that they would not replace her till the next president was elected.

But, immediately after she died, efforts were in motion by the present administration to do just that. I was deeply concerned. Being a country of such disparate values and beliefs, and so divided politically, I feel it’s extremely important to have a balance of liberals and conservatives on the Supreme Court to fairly represent our citizens.

With this concern weighing heavy on my heart, I shared a Facebook post I received encouraging my friends to call some crucial senators to block the appointment of a new Justice until the next president is elected. I was impassioned! I also didn’t consider the responses I would receive.

One friend replied, “I didn’t know a nominee was named. Are you jumping the gun? How do you know a fair and just individual wouldn’t be named? Is it because she was nominated by Trump?”

I responded explaining my point of view. And she replied again.

Uh,oh, I thought. I could feel cactus and rose thorns pricking the skin of our friendship.  She obviously felt just as strongly as I did about the issue. Pressing my pause button, some quick self-talk kicked in. Gail, DO NOT RESPOND. THIS DEBATE IS HEADING DOWNHILL FAST!  There’s one thing I know: there is no convincing or winning in a political conversation. So I gave myself a breather. I stepped away from the Facebook post.

What’s Most Important Here?

Throughout the day, on and off, images of my friend floated to the surface of my mind. What’s most important here?  I thought about our friendship. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. We’ve celebrated major life events together, had many heart-to-heart talks, and she’d even given me helpful feedback on my blog and how to expand my social media presence. Definitely. Her friendship was much more important than our political differences.

I went to bed pondering what to do next. If I just didn’t respond, it would leave each of us with a bad taste in our mouth. An awkwardness might linger. A phone call could get messy either avoiding the topic or opening it up again. A Facebook response was out.

I would just simply let her know how much I valued her.

I texted her bright and early: I value your friendship too much to get into political conversations.

She responded: Me too. Love you!!!

I felt light – like dancing!

Mindful Speech

I discovered my thought process has a name; mindful speech. Jack Kornfield, a leader of Buddhist mindfulness practices in the West (and a frequent inspiration to me) says:

“In mindful speaking we become aware of what is happening in us and how it affects others. ”

The key steps of mindful speaking are;

• Pause—when it feels what you are saying is feeling off or may have a negative impact

•   Consider—what might be the outcome of what I am about to

•   Ask Self—what is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?

  I am so happy I was mindful in stopping our political wrangle. Can you relate? At this time in our nation, when we all have such strong and polarized political views, its so important to remember:

We will not change the views of people who have different political perspectives and priorites than us.

Why not consider the value of your relationship and let that guide your choices and speech in political conversations.

Wishing you well!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

An Important Reason To Apologize

“Because we’re all imperfect human beings, prone to error and defensiveness, the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology is with us until our very last breath. ”

— Harriet Lerner

I’ve been listening to a new podcast as I do my daily 30-minute walk. It’s Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, and every episode is a three minute shot in the arm of inspiration to improve your relationships. Of all their good ideas, the one that rose to the surface for me was on taking responsibility in conflicts. Apologies are dear to my heart because they make me think of my son, Theo, who has helped me to become a sincere and authentic apologizer. What’s the big deal, you might ask.

It’s a very big deal. Working through conflicts and hurt feelings is one of the hardest parts of being in relationships. Yet doing so, is what makes our relationships open-hearted, safe, home bases for us to live and thrive in.

The Conflict

My boy is now 29, has his own condo, but still has quite a bit of “stuff” at our home. The “stuff” that led to a recent conflict. He had stopped over for a ten-minute drumming session in our basement. When he emerged from downstairs I said,

“Thee, you have that extra drum set all over the basement floor. When are you going to do something about it? And don’t forget you have all the clothes you’ve left here to go through.”

“Mom!!! You’re such an overreactor! I told you it’s only going to be there a week at most. And you ALWAYS bombard me with too many things at once! I’ll get to them!”

“I DON’T APPRECIATE you speaking to me in that tone of voice.”

“OK, Mom. Gotta go. Talk to you later,” he kissed my cheek and out the door he went.

Taking Responsibility

After he left, I thought about my part in our clash. I reflected: I know it frazzles him when I ask him to do more than one thing at a time, you’ve got to stop that!  And since I only see him once a week, I want our time together to be relaxed and warm. Ask him when would work for him to get the drums. Discuss the clothes another time.

As I said, apologies are dear to my heart thanks to Theo. A couple of hours later he called. “Mom, I’m sorry I spoke to you like I did and called you an overreactor. I’ve been stressed lately with work and I came over to let loose with my drums. I will get the extra drums out by Friday. I just need you to not overwhelm me with too many requests at once. Who’s the cutest mom?”

See what I mean. The beauty of my boy is he takes responsibility for his behavior, asks for what he needs, and reaffirms our loving bond. It makes it easier for me to do the same.

“Thee, I apologize for bombarding you with both requests. When I have your attention at home I just want to get as much done as possible. I know it sets you off and I am going to work on that. What I need from you is that you talk to me more respectfully. I love you bubby. I so appreciate this call. How lucky I am to have a son that owns his behavior and cares enough to talk things out.”

My example is a mild one but illustrates my message. We each have our needs, wants and stresses, and being human we all mess up and can be insensitive and hurtful. Rarely is a conflict just one person’s responsibility.  If we keep the dearness of our relationship at the center of our thoughts and feelings, and are willing to own our part, we can work through conflicts and deepen our relationships with loved ones.

Your Takeaways

Communication expert, Harriet Lerner, in her recent book, Why Won’t You Apologize, spells out three fundamentals of a good apology:

1.      Take clear and specific responsibility for what you have said or done without blaming the other.

2.      Listen carefully without interrupting and saying things that make the hurt party feel unheard or cut short.

3.      Do your best to ensure you don’t repeat the behavior that offended the other person.

4.      (My addition) If you feel better, affirm the other person, you’re actually affirming the value of their relationship in your life!

The deeper the hurt, the harder it can be to be open to an apology. If accepting an apology is hard for you, acknowledge that. Give yourself time, but melt those bars around your heart.

Giving an apology is not weakness or blaming ourselves, but caring about our relationship more than being right.

Why not take your share of responsibility in conflicts  starting today!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.